SUCKED!

lol jk that’s kind of harsh…I had a great time with Patrick.. here’s just a mini post to share a huge life moment with you..

You know what I wasn’t prepared for when I became a parent? The fact that I can’t turn my “momming” off. I knew our lives would change and we would be able to do less and yada yada..but seriously even when we have a sitter and I know he’s fine…I can’t just turn mom brain off and enjoy myself…I still think about him constantly..”it’s 10:30…I hope he went down for his nap ok…” “I hope he isn’t being a banshee for my mom” little things like that that occupy my mind so strongly that on our anniversary night away, Pat could tell I was not all there. But he later told me that he felt the same. It was Pat’s idea to get an early breakfast and head home quickly the next morning. We’ve since accepted the fact that it may get easier, but for now…we can’t let go and enjoy ourselves without a care in the world anymore…because we have a huge care in the world now.

Speaking of being an overly attached mom… When we did our big purge, I tossed a lot of sentamental stuff without the bat of an eye. My favorite jammies Liam wore in the first few months that were too worn to keep…no prob! Love letters from my hubby..bye! The ONLY thing that made me lose it- Liam’s stupid pacifier that he used only for a few weeks because I hate pacifiers.. it instantly brought me back to the 6days he spent in the NICU.(nothing compared to some babies, but still so incredibly tough) I pictured him clear as day sucking on the passy that was half the size of his head in his little NICU incubator..I felt the emotions of leaving the hospital without my baby all over again. TEARS!

Then I was suddenly back the the first week he was home rocking him trying to offer the pacifier to see if he just wanted to suckle or if he wasn’t getting enough breastmilk from me…the chaos of those first couple months is so real …. That was the only thing I held onto for no reason at all… It doesn’t bring me joy..he will never use it again…but I couldn’t let go. I don’t think I’m ready to accept the fact that I have an almost 1 year old.

I’m tearing up writing this. Being a mom was all I’ve ever wanted in life. Some women have high career ambitions or social ambitions…honestly I’ve only ever wanted to be a great wife and a mother. I didn’t dream of being a dental hygienist…I don’t care to change the world or climb any ladders. I want a simple life. And I want to be a kick-ass wife and mom. Postpartum depression made me feel like I was a terrible mother for a few months. It tore me down and made me feel worthless and isolated.

Minimalism and writing on this blog have started pulling me out of the darkest time I’ve ever been through. I thank you for following my journey. I’ve settled into a bit of an identity for this blog- I’m basically a minimalist mama. The main focus will be about living a simple life without a million THINGS, but with a million reasons to be happy. There will be some “mom crap” thrown in because being a mom is a HUGE part of me, but I mainly want to help people live an intentional life without the mental and physical clutter that could prevent them from true happiness. I hope you’ll keep following because I’ll be sharing my steps for beginning “semi” minimalism next week.