I know I said this blog (let’s just call it was it is) wasn’t going to be all about postpartum depression, but the response I got to my first post was almost overwhelming. SO MANY WOMEN have gone through similar, if not the same, experience I’m going through now. So I wanted to take a minute to tell anyone reading this that at least 25 women have reached out to me in the past two weeks…Mamas going through things I had no idea of! Dear friends or family that had to take, or are still taking medication because their ppd got that bad. Even some ladies sharing other things with me- severe financial stress, anxiety, past domestic violence. You guys!! So many women are going through (or have gone through) such difficult times! I really struggled with whether or not I wanted to start this blog and let everyone see into our lives ..but if it does nothing else other than helping you guys know you’re not the only ones feeling what you’re feeling, it’s worth the vulnerability. So in the name of helping others I’m going to share a couple more things about myself.
1: I’ve had really bad anxiety for years. And I don’t throw that word around Willy nilly. I’ve been known to leave a cart full of groceries in the middle of Alberstons because someone gave me a weird feeling and I freaked out and Had to get out asap. I miss out on a lot of fun things because big crowds make me incredibly nervous. I’ve also excused myself in the middle of patients because I feel pannicky (spelling?) for no reason and I just need to walk around for a sec. Liam’s sleep has been an anxiety trigger for me. I’m extremely strict with his sleep schedule and Im proud of it. With that being said, I saw my brother for the first time in three years last month. Having him here and wanting to be included in everything was so good for me. We missed bedtime a lot and his schedule was off numerous times, but I learned that I survived. I still 100% prefer my schedule, but I have some peace of mind knowing we can miss bedtime every now and then if absolutely necessary.. Thank you for that, the brother!! And for your service!
2: I have been super irresponsible with money the past 5 months. Like omg. I want to blame the ppd, but I don’t know if that’s a valid excuse. I used to be SO GOOD with money, but lately I’ve been ridiculous. Between a couple pre-term labor scares, and a short nicu stay, we had a much higher than expected out if pocket cost for having this sweet babe. Then our dog needed surgery…so we’ve had lots of bills. And how did I react? I started buying completely unnecessary crap and digging our hole even deeper. Now guess what? New year, new deductable, and Liam needs tubes in his ears. I’m embarrassed and ashamed at the hole I dug my family into, and I hope that minimizing will help get us out faster.
3: I still have some really bad days. For the most part, I’ve improved so so much, but I still have days where I feel like the ppd is starting all over again. This is hard on my marriage- after a week of feeling great, it’s hard to explain to my hubs how I can just be in a terrible mood the next day. It’s hard for him to understand and hard for me to explain. Like when he wants to go do something social and I want to sit on the couch and he doesn’t understand… But if I didn’t have his support the past 9 months, I never would have made it. Patrick you are a Godsend of a husband. I know this hasn’t been easy on you and I love you. I’m sorry for the random crying, the crazy irritability, and the massive antisocialness. (real word?)
Thank you to everyone who has been following along with me. You have no idea how happy it makes me when my friends tell me they went through their closet or tossed something that didn’t spark joy! I love it!! My life has changed since starting this site. Learning things I’ve learned about friends and family has made me feel a deeper connection to my community of women and has made me feel like I’m not alone. We got this!
Next time- how our “semi minimalism” is going and a few ideas that are noottttt working out.
Please always feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you ever need to vent. Even if I don’t know you. Venting is life.